Sugar Coated Nostalgia?

It’s something she said. It really got to me.

“I’m starting to think I like my old self better.”

She said she didn’t like who she was right now and that she felt like she knew too much.

It made me think too. And so I began... Am I happy with who I am today?

It’s not that I know too much. And by too much I mean awareness-wise. Or the silliest things like not being able to keep a straight face when seeing a banana because of its obvious ‘adult’ connotations.

I was speaking to my mum not long ago about the fact that we’ve lost contact with so many family and friends that I looked up to so much as a child. You know the people I’m on about? That uncle that always used to come over but then just stopped one day? That friend you had for so long and then you ‘just grew up’? When did everyone I grew up admiring and looking up to become so crude? Selfish and deceitful? Was it like this all along and I’ve only developed the brain cells to acknowledge it all now? Were these people always so horrible and I was just oblivious, young and far too naive to question it?

Well, if returning to a time like that is what would bring back my innocence, I’d rather stay a broken, fucked up and scrap minded girl for the rest of my life.

It’s a big deal to have to ‘grow up’. Some people way into their 40’s still find it hard to grasp the concept. Just scour Hollywood and you’ll catch onto what I mean.

That’s all where nostalgia comes in. It’s almost like second nature to us.

‘Old is gold!’ Bullshit.

I found this quote online that said, “Once I was a teenager and I realised I could hurt people, everything was easier.”

It’s correct, isn’t it? Destruction is always easier. It’s that  hold over yourself, knowing you have the ability and the power to say anything to anyone with the assurance of an impact. That’s what growing up really is. The acknowledgement. Some use it wisely, others not so.

Here’s another quote. You all know this one.

“Don’t regret anything in life because at one point, it’s exactly what you wanted.”

I believe in that quote as much as I believe in the tooth fairy. Besides, I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift was the one who said it which gives me even more reason to dislike that quote.

Anyway, it’s the downfall of nostalgia I guess. You forget the ‘regret’ part and long for a past moment. There is a reason that event has become a memory and not something that exists for you in your present life. There is a reason why you chose to let go and move on.

I feel as much nostalgia as the next person does. Human default. Doesn’t make it a good habit though, does it? I know I’m struggling. I know I could do better, try harder. But it’s being able to thrive for something better that makes me happy to be in my present. I feel good to be able to reason with myself which would be very much impossible if I was 12. I understand the consequences of my every action. I’m aware. And yes, nostalgia doesn’t help to sugar coat the negativity, but if being able to feel my surroundings and embrace my life with every fibre in my heart makes me question my present self, I’d rather wish to never have been a child.

I’m very anti-nostalgia all of a sudden as it seems. I don’t mean to be. It’s just that with the word ‘nostalgia’ comes a bunch of labels and stereotypes and sympathetic synonyms. I don’t want to go back to an old me that had depression, got bullied, cried herself to sleep every night, lost her temper and fought with people she loves.

I like me just how I am today and I thank God for it.

I’m alive. I am living and working my head and heart. And that’s the best part of growing up.